January 13th

Jimmy Varn here and I am still alive. You have no idea how lucky I am to be here.

So yesterday I went scouting and wood gathering. I found a shrub that would have been perfect but damn, wood puts up a fight, you know? I broke off a bunch of branches but it took forever. I just felt too vulnerable out there in the street. Zombies don’t make much noise. It doesn’t take anything to get busy with something and stop paying attention to some slow ass fuck coming up behind you.

I decided I had to have an ax. I went into the house across the street. It was empty and I didn’t even check it for food. I was tearing through the garage and the back yard hoping to find an ax. I figured I could hit seven or eight houses really quick.

God, I was so cocky twelve hours ago.

It was the second house that nearly got me. It had a shed and I got real excited. It had a rake, a hose and lawnmower but no ax. I took the hose and I tracked down the gasoline for the lawnmower. I was pretty happy to get something I wasn’t even really looking for. They had some work gloves and I took them too. I set the hose and the gas out by the street so I could pick up after I checked the house.

I go into the living room and there were no zombies. I checked the downstairs and it was all clear. I went upstairs hoping to find some books. Worse comes to worse, I could burn the books if they sucked.

I checked the first bedroom and it was a teenager’s room. Even better, he was a reading teenager. I was so grateful that it wasn’t a girl. I was terrified of only having vampire fiction to choose from.

Well this little bastard’s parents must have no idea of what he reads because it was the good horror stuff. He had Richard Laymon, Clive Barker and David Wellington. These are the good nasty writers who don’t hold back. I would not want to meet this kid in a dark alley, but I was snatching his books now.

I hadn’t checked out the other bedrooms and that is how they got me. One of them bumped up against the door and I jumped in terror. The one at the door was a big guy, really large and bloated. Half his face was gone and I could see his skull. He pretty much took the whole doorway.

I could see there were some behind him, I but I couldn’t tell how many.

It was just me and my lead pipe. I had guns waiting at Home Base but dumb ass me, I left them behind because I was afraid of them. Now I was going to die in some kid’s bedroom.

I gripped the lead pipe and swung. I hit him in the knee and the big thing dropped to the ground. Immediately I saw my problem: he was blocking my only way out. Rage got into me and I swung for his head. I shattered his skull with a fury of fear and terror.

The next one was a woman. She had pretty black hair like Morticia Adams. There was nothing sexy about her out stretched hands and sharp fingernails. She was damn quick and she grabbed my shoulder.

It was just like the damn movies. She opened her mouth and tried to bite me. Her mouth was unnaturally open and she was lunging like I was the most delicious thing in the world. If she was alive, it would have been like one of my wet dreams.

There was no room to swing the pipe. I slapped it against her head but it just sort of bounced. I could hear crunching sounds so I knew it was hurting her but it was too slow. Morticia Zombie was biting my shoulder and I had no idea how long my jacket could hold out.

She had two more zombies behind her. They were adult men and they were both pushing against her, trying to climb over her to get to me. Fat Zombie was slouched in the doorway and I was partially propping him up with my leg. He was my only fucking barrier.

I had no doubt I was going to die. I knew how it went in movies. Once they outnumber you, the zombies win. Once you make a dumb-ass move like forgetting to clear the upstairs, you lose. The worse thing about dying was this terrible feeling that I deserved it.

It kind of pissed me off. I got mad for making a mistake and I just screamed. I pushed my lead pipe against the chest of the zombie. I pushed and pushed and yelled my anger. She grabbed the lead pipe while she kept chewing. My jacket gave out. She ripped out a big patch on my jacket and fell backwards, still holding onto my lead pipe. The other zombies fell back too.

I had a few seconds to do something. I knew better than to climb over Fat Zombie and try to scramble through them. I was also really pissed.

It is going to sound like I am a cool bastard but that wasn’t the case at all. I was just desperate as fuck.

I saw a printer and picked it up. I swung it overhead like I was the Hulk and brought it down on Morticia Zombie.

CRUNCH! It crushed her head.

Zombie Guy#1 was up and trying to come through. I grabbed a floor lamp that was nearly as tall as me. I tore off the shade and thrust it at him. The light bulb shattered on his face. Zombies might be dead but fuck up their eyes and it messes them up. I jabbed again with the lamp and this time I went into the eye socket and beyond. Zombie Guy#1 became dead weight and fell to the ground with my lamp weapon still lodged in him.

Zombie Guy#2 decided to take a try. He was a bit weird. He was just wearing his underwear. A dead nearly naked guy is worse somehow. The worse thing is that he had an erection. Jesus.

I was shaking. I was just so pumped up. I stepped back and searched the room as fast as I could. I picked up an entirely inappropriately sexual statue of Wonder Woman and swung it at Zombie Guy#2. The super expensive statue shattered on the zombie’s head but barely slowed him down.

I picked up a bank and threw it at him. I completely missed. I yanked up a desk door and found a gothy looking letter opener. Like a crazy person, I picked it up and decided to fight with it.

Zombie Guy#2 lunged at me. I lunged at him. I wish I could break it down to a play-by-play but it was crazy. We wrestled. He was trying to bite me and I was stabbing his head. Even when I got the knife into his socket, it took me forever to drive in deep enough. We must have wrestled for at least ten minutes.

Him and his zombie boner.

So I won obviously. I got up and left. I took my bag and that was it. I didn’t even get the lead pipe from under Morticia Zombie. I came straight back home. After an hour of shaking, I went back for the gasoline and the hose.

I have to learn to use the guns. I nearly died with a stupid lead pipe. I have to be more focused. I have to get tougher.