January 27th

I am Jimmy Varn and I think I am still alive.

I finished Laymon’s ‘Island’ yesterday. It was a bit disturbing. I burned through two candles last night finishing it.

It is really funny. As a bookseller, I hate spoilers. I would have customers come in and tell me how books end like it was their privilege to tell me. I hated it. Hate, hate, hate spoilers.

So here it is at the end of the world and I want to talk about this book that fucked with my head but I won’t. I don’t know if anyone is even alive to read this but I can’t break my rule about spoilers.

But I have to talk about it.

Okay, Rupert is this nice kid. A Bad Guy kidnaps some women and rapes them. Rupert beats the Bad Guy and save the women, but in the end it looks like Rupert decides that he is owed a reward of sorts. He takes advantage of the situation and maintains the situation the women are in, but in a more humane manner.

Fuck, I felt dirty even giving away that much. Anyway, the thing that bothered me is that Rupert was a good kid. He was a good kid who realizes he can do whatever he wants and he does it.

And I was jealous of him. I am alone in Home Base and I am scared and I have to say, three or four hot women to fuck would be pretty nice. Am I willing to go out and get some? Of course not.

But I think about it. I think about how it is the end of the world. I think about what I would do just to have a woman around. It is not even about the sex. It would be awesome just to have some company.

Would I be willing to keep her here against her will? No, of course not.

I think.

I am not sure.

I was pretty repulsed by the rape scenes in ‘Island’ but at the same time it was better than thinking about the zombie parade. Does that make me a bad person because it was entertainment to me? Fuck I don’t know. I am so lonely right now, I would almost welcome any situation, no matter how fucked up, just to be around another person.

I went to the house where I heard the screaming. I had been putting it off. It is too close of a reminder of what can happen to me.

The house was barricaded but the front door was pushed in. I don’t know how that happens unless it was just the sheer mass of the zombies. Judging by the nails in the wall, they had the thing pretty well boarded up but it was still knocked in.

I stepped over a lot of dead zombies. Their heads were caved in. I found the ax that did it. The ax was embedded in a zombie’s head. I am guessing they lost the ax and things went to shit. Well, shittier than having a hundred zombies in your house.

The woman was upstairs in the bathroom. She tried to hide in the tub. I can tell she was the victim because her skeleton was there and not much else. She had long blonde hair that was prettier than I expected. I wonder how she kept it clean. Her torso, arms and legs were missing anything chewable. They even ate her ass.

The tub was coated in blood, but I could see the tongue prints of some of the zombies as they tried to lick it off the wall.

I threw up and then sat outside the bathroom for awhile. I wondered about her. Was she here with her boyfriend? Her husband? A brother? Where was he? Did they chew on him till they noticed her? Is he up walking around?

Could I have saved her?

I felt this tremendous loss. It was weird. She was probably here with her boyfriend but I felt like someone had just broken up with me. It reminded me of high school when you have a crush on a girl and she starts dating someone else. I felt like I had missed my chance to know her and be her friend.

I didn’t have any such feelings of loss for her missing male screaming friend. I am aware of this and it is not helping my self-esteem right now.

I am going to log off now before I come across any creepier.