February 16th

This is Jimmy Varn and I am still alive.

Wow, it has been hard. I thought the end of the world was hard. Crystal leaving has been devastating. My appetite is gone which I guess will help save on food. I have no energy and spent most of my night playing games on the DS.

I just don’t give a fuck. All the sex I had with her seems like a dream. The smell of her in house is like a phantom. Granted, that smell was mostly rather stinky, but it was a new smell and I appreciated it.

The water barrels need collecting. Well, only one barrel but the other gutters feed into buckets and large pots. I got one of them today. I have been slowly boiling it clean all morning but I am in so sort of hurry. It is mostly an excuse to sit in front of the fireplace.

I think about kissing her. How hard she would kiss me so that my lip would bruise. I miss that. Numb lips meant I was alive.

I feel dead. I feel hopeless and abandoned. There is no rescue and there is no one commenting on my blog and no one gives a fuck, and when someone does give a fuck, she leaves.

I don’t know. I hurt. I want some chocolate chip cookies but they were stolen. I miss her.

No, maybe I don’t miss Crystal. I miss having someone here. Ok, I miss fucking Crystal, that was awesome. After being alone for so long, sex was like Christmas. But as for missing Crystal specifically, I don’t know. I barely knew her, and just having her here was a reminder that other people exist. The only company I have is zombies and porn magazines.

I am tempted to really go looking for survivors. I’m talking big banners and maybe a bonfire. It might attract zombies but I have to find other survivors. I have to make human contact again. I’ve missed and after having Crystal here for two days, I don’t know how I can live without it again.

Not today though. Today I just want to curl up and watch water boil.

It occurred to me that Crystal came right before Valentine’s Day. I wonder if that was deliberate. I wonder if she just didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day so she hooked up with me. I feel a little used.

I wish she would come back.